Elizabeth Taylor started it. Dita Von Teese has just launched her first. Britney has 6. Halle Berry has 3. Jennifer Aniston has 1. Paris Hilton has 14 and JLo is the Queen of them all with 17. Celebrity fragrances are everywhere. Lady Gaga has announced that she will be jumping on the bandwagon (brandwagon?) in 2012 with her debut fragrance “Monster” which apparently will smell like blood and semen. If I were designing it, “Monster” would have top notes of raw meat, latex and glue, and come in a heel-less shoe shaped bottle, covered in glitter, fan letters and shards of glass.

Obviously I’m not a perfumer, or a “nose” as it’s known, but I have come up with some ideas for celebrity fragrances that I’d like to see. If Elizabeth Arden or Coty want to contact me to discuss any of the below I’m open to offers.

Entitlement by Lindsay Lohan – Husky, musky and with strong notes of a three day old bender. Top notes of cigarette smoke and flat champagne dry down to an undertone of desperation.

Winning by Charlie Sheen – Top note of stale hooker sweat, middle notes of a career up in flames, drying down to mimic the chemical aftertaste of a coke drip at the back of the throat. And here’s the commercial.

Denial by Tom Cruise – Manly heterosexual leather and musk give way to subtle notes of soap and forbidden fruit.

Velvet Robe by Hugh Hefner – Top notes are reminiscent of baby oil and denture glue unfolding to a subtle strain of Preparation H.

(And what’s my poison? I’ll take a bottle of Coromandel any day.)