Coke Talk

Sometimes in my travels around the Internet, I find things that make me very very happy. Sites that prove that the Internet is a great place. Like Dear Coke Talk – an advice column run by an anonymous, verbose, intelligent, profane, no bullshit, sardonic woman who also happens to be an atheist. I heart her.

She says: Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions.

I say: Like getting advice from a combination of Joan Rivers, Bill Hicks and Marcus Aurelius.

Excerpts below but I reckon you should explore the archives of the site for a few hours. It’ll save on therapy bills.

ON A BROKEN HEART.

…It’s never easy dealing with a broken heart, but you’re dangerously close to entering a pathetic, self-absorbed fugue state where every thought that escapes your lips comes out in the form of shitty adult contemporary song lyrics…

ON RESCUING A FIREMAN.

…Man the fuck up. Don’t ever put up with an ultimatum, especially from some dream killing bitch who thinks she owns you because you’ve been porking her since she was sixteen years old…

ON MAKING A MOVE.

…Learning this shit is ten times more exciting than already knowing how to do it. Fucking enjoy yourself…

ON WHAT YOU DID TO YOUR HAIR.

Gonna cook it yourself, eh? This isn’t a spaghetti dinner, bitch. It’s your hair. Listen, I’m not gonna tell you how to spend your money, but some things in this world you just gotta leave to the professionals…

ON SOMEONE OUT THERE.

…I surround myself with brilliant and witty people. I am responsible for my own orgasm. I am the empress of my own goddamn happiness whether I’m in a relationship with zero, one, or several people at any given moment…

ON TEENAGE LOVE.

…Shit sweetie, I’m a bitch, but I’m not so nasty a shrew as to slap away the cartoon song birds that are fluttering around your candy filled head…

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