Consider this an advance warning; Christina Aguilera’s acting debut Burlesque hits our screens in December this year. The trailer appeared on the Internet last week and I took one for the team and watched it, primarily so you don’t have to. Burlesque stars Aguilera as Alice, a small town girl who makes her way to LA with dreams of becoming a star. Moments after arriving, she stumbles upon a burlesque club owned by Cher and… oh you can pretty much write the rest of story yourself, can’t you? Judging by the dialogue in the trailer, I’m sure you would have done a better job.

One can imagine what everyone involved with the movie was thinking – “It’ll be like A Star Is Born meets Cabaret“. Unfortunately it’s more like Glitter meets Showgirls. I reckon the best this film could ever hope for is camp classic status and if Aguilera thinks that this is going to launch her as a movie star, there’s a shock in store for her. I have no idea what the amazing Alan Cumming is doing in this dreadful movie. Perhaps he thought it would be a chance to originate a movie role similar to the Emcee in Cabaret, for which he won a Tony and a New York Drama Critics Award. Stanley Tucci is also a very talented actor and should be nowhere near this piece of dross. Nobody needs money that badly, Stanley.

The trailer is worth watching for two reasons. One, you get to see Cher try to talk around her ludicrously overinflated lips (in fact watching Cher try to communicate at all, given the fact that her face is brought to you by Botox, is unintentionally hilarious). Two, you get to see the moment you KNEW would have to be included in the script; the moment where Christina does her patented powerhouse “HOOoooOOOooOooO” and everyone registers surprise (well, everyone except Cher) – “the girl can SING”! Otherwise avoid at all costs…

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